“Why don’t you go for it?”
“Because I’m scared of rejection.”
We’ve in all probability all heard or mentioned this phrase numerous occasions. However, regardless of the “fear of rejection” showing so often, this phrase hardly ever appears questioned. One cause is that it’s a truism. Who can argue that people undergo emotionally when being rejected or excluded? But is it solely the worry of rejection impacting our selections? Could there be different, deeper causes for avoiding possibilities and alternatives? Many of us are risk-averse or set low ranges of aspiration to try to preserve issues secure and predictable, we keep away from chance and protruding. In taking a threat, whether or not it’s making use of to high school, asking an individual for a date, going for the promotion, talking as much as assert oneself, and even studying one thing new; all of these behaviors can result in emotions of publicity and vulnerability and therefore could also be averted.
Looked at from this lens, fears of success could also be a extra highly effective motivator than fears of rejection. You would possibly really feel incredulous at this final line; that what folks actually worry isn’t rejection, however success. How can that be?
While there’s definitely reality within the notion that every one of us worry rejection to some extent, many individuals mislead themselves on the opposite potential causes for forgoing chance. The reverse of rejection is acceptance of course, however particularly acceptance and approval. Why would somebody be afraid of acceptance and approval? Isn’t that what all of us strongly want? Why would we flip away from the very factor that we are saying we want? These are highly effective questions. Here are some composite examples from my scientific apply:
Example 1
John, age 25, has dreamed of residing on the West Coast, however as a result of of his mother and father’ unease about him being so far-off, he ended up staying native for faculty. He usually wonders if his life would look a lot completely different if he listened to his intestine and gone to California for faculty. Recently, he discovered {that a} well-respected firm in California is promoting for a place that he thinks he’d be excellent for. Should he apply? If he applies and is accepted, it means probably disappointing his mother and father by transferring far-off. Can he tolerate the guilt they may throw at him? And what about transferring to a brand new place the place he isn’t established? It’s going to imply leaving his consolation zone, trying to ascertain new mates and a brand new routine, and sure tolerating anxiousness and loneliness till he does. Maybe staying house is most well-liked, in any case, it’s safer and fewer disruptive for him and the folks round him.
Example 2
Chris has had a crush on Fran for a pair of years and just lately discovered by way of a mutual good friend, that Fran can be open to a romantic overture from Chris. Now Chris is anxious. What if Fran shoots him down? He’s heard she’d even be prepared. What is he apprehensive about? Actually, Fran saying “yes” to him would improve his anxiousness much more. Again rejection won’t be the issue. If she says ‘yes,’ then Chris should navigate conversations and reveal himself emotionally—which suggests the potential for publicity, embarrassment, and disgrace. If that goes nicely, then he’ll must navigate the sexual enviornment, which opens him as much as much more vulnerabilities. If all that goes nicely, perhaps he’ll must navigate introducing her to his mother and father, and his mates, and what about her mother and father and her mates? Seeking new instructions of development can open us to new vulnerabilities, new obligations, and contingencies.
The thinker Kierkegaard is quoted: “Anxiety is the dizziness of freedom.” I believe that is what he was driving at.
I like the way in which psychologist Abraham Maslow put it: “We fear our highest possibility (as well as our lowest ones). We enjoy and even thrill by the godlike possibilities we see in ourselves in such peak moments. And yet we simultaneously shiver with weakness, awe, and fear before these very same possibilities.” He known as this tendency towards evasion of one’s freedom the “Jonah Syndrome,” and described it this fashion: “For some people, this evasion of one’s own growth, setting low levels of aspiration, the fear of doing what one is capable of doing, voluntary self-crippling, pseudo-stupidity, mock-humility are in fact defenses against grandiosity.”
Playing it secure on the planet by avoiding threat and chance, protects one in opposition to an accusation of conceitedness or pomposity, in addition to defending in opposition to publicity, extra accountability, and contingency. It’s one factor to use for the promotion, for instance. It’s one other factor to carry out in that new position with greater obligations and expectations. Maslow goes on to clarify that this sort of abdication of our highest potential serves as a safety for our shallowness; we don’t really feel uncovered, susceptible, and remoted.
I hope I’ve made a convincing case then that the so-called worry of rejection is extra seemingly a worry of success; as success opens us as much as much more vulnerability, accountability, and publicity than sustaining the established order. Avoiding chance as a result of of a professed ‘fear of rejection’ then, is greater than seemingly a defensive rationalization within the service of the established order. Understanding our worry of success extra clearly might permit us to do one thing about it. The extra we find out about our fears and anxieties the extra success we would have find artistic options for these conflicts. However, if we’re in denial of our true motives and fears, we’re a lot much less prone to overcome them.
The So-Called Fear of Rejection
The So-Called Fear of Rejection
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The So-Called Fear of Rejection